


Our Ever Changing Reality

by Rhang



Category: Black Panther (2018), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Erik's rolling with the punches which is different, It’s REALLY complicated, M/M, Sam is not the most considerate in this one, Sam's got his own baggage but that doesn't excuse his behavior, Somewhat of an established relationship, Takes place sometime after Civil War but before Infinity War, We don't take kindly to that kind of BS around here Mr. Wilson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-05-27 06:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15018575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhang/pseuds/Rhang
Summary: Erik rested his forehead against the door and sighed heavily. He was too tired and not ready to deal with something like this right now.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Any mistakes are mine.

_Knock, knock, knock_.

Erik glanced over at the clock bedside his bed and saw it was 2:13 in the morning. The knocking continued and Erik sat up. He wasn’t expecting anyone so he couldn’t imagine who it could be at that hour. He got up just the same, slipped on a shirt and headed out of his room to his front door. Whoever was at the door knocked again as Erik checked to make sure his knife was where it needed to be on his bookshelf before he checked the peep hole. Erik looked out onto his front porch and saw a familiar face. Erik rested his forehead against the door and sighed heavily. The mixture of emotions that welled up within him nearly took his breath. Sleep made his eyelids heavy and hard to keep open. He was too tired and not ready to deal with something like this right now but he still backed away from the door and moved to unlock it.

He cast the door open to see Samuel Wilson standing there looking beat up, holding his side, lip bloodied and face bruised. It was similar to how Erik had seen the man over two and a half years ago, which was the last time he saw Sam.

Erik stared at Sam. Sam just shook his head, a plea in his eyes. Erik rolled his eyes and walked away from the door leaving it open for Sam to close and lock behind him.  Erik went to his bathroom and grabbed the first aid kit and brought it back to the living room.

In the quiet dark of his home, Erik walked over to a lamp nearby and turned it on to give them some light to see by.

“How you been Erik?” Sam asked taking a seat on the couch.

“Let’s not do this Sam alright,” Erik said tossing the first aid kit down on the coffee table. “Clean yourself up, give your usual excuses for not staying in touch then bounce okay. I’m tired,” Erik went to the kitchen to grab an ice pack and wondered why he even bothered helping the other man at this point. Two years and no word; Sam had suddenly vanished just when Erik thought they were making it work, that they were getting somewhere. It started as a simple, no strings attached situation but soon they began spending more time together, doing more than just being friends with benefits. They were going on dates, getting to know each other on a deeper level...then nothing. Sam seemed to drop off the face of the planet. Erik had been used to the other working but Sam usually made an effort to let Erik know when he was traveling for work or when Sam expected to be back. But two years of silence took its toll in ways Erik just refused to accept at first but eventually he reasoned what must have happened then found the strength to mourn. He pushed aside the feelings he'd had for Sam and moved on.

Well that’s what Erik thought he’d done.

He returned to the living room to see Sam had removed his shirt and was sitting up, in the process of cleaning shallow cuts on his side. Erik watched quietly and placed the ice pack down on the table. Sam looked up at him holding Erik’s gaze.

“You stay lettin’ that white boy get your ass beat up, huh?” Erik said shaking his head.

Sam chuckled at that and nodded. He deserved that. “It’s part of the job,” Sam reasoned about the injuries.

“What about no word in two years huh? That part of your job too?” Erik asked knowing he’d told himself that he wouldn’t bring this up. That he wouldn’t show Sam that it bothered him that much.

An uneasy quiet fell between them at Erik’s question.

Being a fugitive and spending time in an underwater prison kept him away from home for awhile. Sam was the last one to want to be away for that long especially when he saw the look on his mother’s face when he returned to the States earlier this week. It was a wonder he didn’t breakdown and tell his family everything he’d been through. Lord knows it was on the tip of his tongue. But he managed to keep the hairier details to himself and explained it all away as a super important mission that got complicated and too risky for him to send word to anyone that he was okay.  

Sam found a local bad guy that needed to be taken care of while he was out spending some time alone, trying to get his head on right again. But he didn’t want to return home beat up like this. Sam realized he was in the neighborhood and figured Erik was someone else that deserved to see Sam in person and alive after all this time. Did he regret showing up _this_ beat up after all this time? No doubt. But if anyone understood what Sam’s job was like it was Erik.

“I would say sorry if it were my fault, but this time it wasn’t,” Sam said looking up into Erik’s eyes.

“Riiiight,” Erik said nodding. He’d heard this in one form or another before Sam ghosted on him. Sadly at one point Erik had convinced himself that he deserved this; whatever this was as well as Sam’s weak effort to inform Erik of what was going on in his life for long periods of time. Erik figured he’d caused his share of headaches and heartaches to others throughout the years, it seemed only fitting that the person he was really into would treat him with the same disregard he’d shown others in his past.   

“Erik I’m serious, I-,” Sam started to say as the words died in his throat. He needed to share what he’d been through with someone. He’d told Steve what had happened to a degree but there were details he just couldn’t put into words and at the time he didn’t have the energy to try. Sam stared at the coffee table then his hands as he took a deep breath and realized he had no business showing up here and laying his burdens at Erik’s feet. “I-I’m going to go.”

Sam got up and started cleaning up the mess he’d made while cleaning his wounds. He grabbed his shirt and slipped it on.

“Hold up,” Erik said moving toward Sam to stop him. “Where you going?”

“Back to my mom’s place where I been staying since I got back this week,” Sam said quickly wiping his eyes.

“Why do you do this?”

“What man!?” Sam asked irritated; avoiding Erik’s eyes. He was trying to leave before he had a full on breakdown in Erik’s living room.

“Come here so burdened and never really talk about what’s going on?” Erik asked looking for his gaze. Erik kept trying until Sam looked him in the eye. “I know that look in your eye Sam. You think I don’t know a haunted look when I see it?”

Sam looked into Erik’s eyes felt his tears begin to fall. “I’m not going to do this to you Erik. I’m going to find a therapist, seek proper help for what I’ve been though. This isn’t your burden to bear.”

Erik shook his head and reached out to hold Sam’s hand, the warmth of his fingers interlacing with Sam’s. “You’re right it’s not, but whatever it is it looks like it’s drowning you and I’m willing to listen.”

Erik couldn’t figure out why he kept letting Sam back in, kept giving him chances. Maybe because as a service member Erik understood the toll serving took on someone. Maybe because all of his disappointment and anger at Sam was really just to cover the gnawing uncertainty and worry he felt over the past two years not knowing where the other even was.

Sam shook his head still wanting to leave.

“Have a seat, finish patching yourself up. Tell me where you’ve been,” Erik said motioning to his couch, letting Sam's hand go. Erik took a seat and looked up at Sam before the other sat down as well.

Erik passed Sam the peroxide and bandages and waited for Sam to start talking. It took him a moment to get back in the rhythm of cleaning his wounds but once he did he glanced over at Erik and saw the other waiting to listen. So Sam started from the beginning, explaining the Accords and every event that led up to them.

Sam talked well into the morning as the Sun began to rise outside. Erik sat listening and finally understood what had kept Sam away. Erik felt his heart break at Sam talking about being imprisoned without due process, enduring torture, feeling hopeless and at times less than a human being. Erik embraced Sam tight and knew Sam wasn’t done talking but wanted Sam to know he was right there, that Erik was with him and didn’t hold his absence against him.

By the time Sam finished telling his story it was nearly 7 A.M. so Erik offered to make coffee but Sam declined. Sam wanted to lay down but realized he’d been out walking when he arrived last night.

“Just stay here for a while. I’ll drop you back by your mom’s later on,” Erik offered softly.

Sam glanced over at Erik and smirked tiredly as he touched Erik's thigh. “You missed me that much?” Sam asked playfully.

“Nigga you wish,” Erik said pushing Sam’s hand away. “My offer is to let you rest here, nothing else.”

“You sure about that?” Sam asked flirting.

Erik shook his head. He forgot Sam talked a good game. “I’m sure,” Erik said getting up to stretch. He couldn’t believe he was up most of the night. He was thankful he didn’t have work today. He was about to climb back in bed and sleep real good.

Erik felt Sam’s hand on his hip and felt his resolve weaken a bit.

“I’m serious this time Sam,” Erik said removing the other’s hand to hold it. “Let’s just rest.”

Sam looked at Erik and nodded. He was exhausted and he was starting to really feel stiff from his fresh injuries.

Erik went to his room and grabbed extra pillows to make up the other side of his bed. Sam watched Erik make up part of his bed for him and felt the emotions he’d held onto while away bubble up again. He always had these specific feelings that came back to him while he spent time with Erik. Sam knew they never discussed what they were to each other and felt bad that he kept coming back into Erik’s life at irregular intervals. Sam had wanted no strings attached with Erik when they first met; something simple while he still had his job at the VA. But once Steve came into his life, being a superhero made Sam’s schedule unforeseeable and unpredictable. Sam kept rolling with the changes but recognized sadly that he never properly discussed those changes with Erik.

Erik climbed into bed and Sam moved to do the same. Sam laid down and stared at the ceiling for a while before saying, “I’m sorry Erik…for a lot,” Sam said softly.

Erik sighed to himself with his eyes closed and turned over to give Sam his back as he got comfortable on his side. “We’ll talk later on about it. Sleep man,” Erik mumbled too tired to expend any more energy talking now that he was back in his bed.  

“Fair enough,” Sam said before dozing off.


	2. Call Out My Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik realizing that maybe he isn’t the one Sam wants after Sam invites him to a bar with a few of his coworkers for a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reader was curious about how Chapter 1 came about or ended. How they got to that point was kind of mentioned within the chapter but I did have thoughts on how things turned out after that evening. 
> 
> [Call Out My Name by The Weeknd](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsEne1ZiQrk) goes very nicely with this chapter. It captures the tone and mood I was going for. 
> 
> Any mistakes are my own.

When he woke up that afternoon Sam was curled up against his back holding him close. Erik tried to ignore how good that felt, waking up to someone after his bed had been so cold for so long. He gave himself a few seconds to live in that small moment before he moved Sam’s arm and got up to get something to eat.

He went to his bathroom to wash his face and stared at himself in the mirror not understanding when he became the man staring back at him. He heard movement in his bedroom and sighed. He went back out into his room and looked briefly at Sam.

“When did you want to go back?” Erik asked, part of him wishing the other would say ‘never’.

Sam sat up in the bed and looked at Erik across the room. “I was thinking we could have lunch first or something,” Sam said with a weak smile. “But if you’re busy I understand, I’ll get going.”

Erik shook his head. “I’m not,” he replied.

“Then I’ll cook since I kept you up so late last night,” Sam said getting up.

Erik watched the other approach him and sigh. Why did he have to feel this way for this man? Why did Sam make him feel so unsure and yet when he was within his gaze everything felt like it would be just fine? Erik wondered as Sam passed him on his way out of the room.

They ate the quick grill cheese lunch Sam whipped up for them as they loosened up around each other again and started talking; falling back into their usual rhythm, talking in their personal shorthand as the hours ticked by them at that kitchen table. The same thing that made Sam’s absence feel so devastating, made their time together feel so wonderful, it was their ability to feel like an island unto themselves when they were together. The rest of the world didn’t matter or exist when they talked to one another.

So when Sam’s phone rang, the trance was broken yet again as it always would be, Erik figured as Sam answered his phone in hushed tones.

Erik got up and cleared the plates from the table.

“I have a mission,” Sam said getting up to stand by Erik at the sink.

“With the Avengers?” Erik asked as evenly as he could.

“Yeah, something like that. We’re working on getting everyone back on the same page. Right now it’s just a few of us working under the radar,” Sam explained noticing Erik’s body language and hoped that him leaving for this mission wouldn’t set them back. He still wanted to talk to Erik properly about what they were but he knew it would have to wait until he returned.

Sam pulled Erik close and placed a kiss against his cheek. “Don’t worry about me leaving. I’m coming back,” Sam whispered.

Erik looked into Sam’s eyes and stopped himself from reminding Sam he’d said something like that before. Instead he settled on, “Okay.”

“It won’t be like last time,” Sam said kissing Erik’s lips softly. “I’m coming back to you.”

Erik felt his body tremble with that kiss and nodded. Sam gave him another parting kiss before uttering a temporary goodbye.

 

When the front door opened and shut, the spell was broken but it lingered around Erik’s head and heart. He looked at the clock and saw it was almost 7PM, the day was basically gone. There was hardly anything he could effectively get done with it being so late, so he crashed on the couch and caught up on some of his shows ignoring the timer that started in the back of his mind clocking Sam’s return.

-

-

-

It was just over 48 hours when Sam returned. Erik had been just about to go to bed; he had work the next day, when he heard the knock on the door. He answered the door and opened up the moment he saw it was Sam. He hugged Sam tight, thanking whoever was listening that he came back. While Erik had wished several times over those 48 hours that he didn’t have to live this way, always worried about Sam coming back or with him leaving, he couldn’t deny he was overjoyed at his return.

“Told you I was coming back,” Sam whispered smelling like ice, gun powder and gasoline.

“That you did,” Erik said pulling Sam inside.

He kissed into Sam’s mouth and Sam held him close. He hadn’t pressed Erik after he turned him down the first night he came over. Sam understood Erik had his guard up regarding him in case Sam disappeared again. He absolutely understood, so Erik pulling him close right now, made Sam feel like that guard may be dropping again. Sam was determined to do better and not make Erik regret letting him back in.

“Let’s go lay down,” Sam suggested pulling Erik back to his bedroom.

Erik kissed Sam and laid him down on his bed and felt his hands underneath his shirt. He missed Sam this way, short breaths, warm touch and deep kisses. Grasping hands and pleas for more just when they both swore they couldn’t take anymore.

For the longest Erik swore it was just really good fucking that they had in common. But there was something else always there in those touches and kisses that lingered, that by the light of day looked different than it did in the dark of night. It was that that Erik held onto, he probably had no right or reason to but he did and it seemed Sam did as well which brought him back to Erik after all this time.

When moans gave way to orgasm, Sam held Erik close as he drifted off. He thought about talking to Erik tomorrow morning if he could about them, the uncertainty of what they were was gnawing away at Sam’s calm. He wanted to know just as much as he wanted Erik to know.

-

-

They spoke sometime before sunrise as Erik got ready for work. Sam wanted a relationship, Erik wasn’t ready for that. Sam understood and said he would wait ‘til Erik was ready. As much as Erik didn’t want anything Sam said to get his hopes up, his heart sped up at Sam’s declaration to give him time.

And it went on like that. Sam and Erik taking it slow and figuring out what they wanted. Sam returned to his Mom’s and they spoke frequently over the phone. Sam invited Erik out to a party some of his co-workers were throwing at a local bar. Erik accepted. Happy to meet some of the people Sam spent so much time with.

They arrived to the party hand in hand. Sam waved at a few people and let go of Erik’s hand to greet a few people. Sam introduced Erik to some. Erik greeted each person then saw Sam light up when a tall, blonde walked over.

Erik watched their interaction, what they were even saying was irrelevant. He noticed their body language with each other, their familiarity and closeness. Sam introduced him as Steve Rogers, Captain America. Erik greeted the man, but noticed how Rogers looked at Sam when he wasn’t looking, the longing and desire displayed openly in the man’s eyes for Sam. Erik almost laughed to himself. There was no way in hell Sam hadn’t picked up on that yet.  

Erik said nothing but just let Sam be in his element and let him go for awhile to chat and hang with his peers. He noticed how close Sam stuck to Rogers and how Rogers did the same.

Erik pulled Sam’s attention away for a moment. Asking Sam when he thought they would be heading out. Sam told him soon. He stood by Erik for few minutes before he drifted back to Rogers’ side near the pool table.

Erik felt like he was the last to know what seemed to be an accepted truth around this crowd Sam ran with. All the same, Erik decided to use the bathroom then dip out of the bar. He stood in the parking lot leaning against the car wondering what he really expected from a situation that was too good to be true aside from the regular desertion.

Sam came out into the parking lot, looking for Erik. He couldn’t find the other inside and thought maybe he came outside to get some air.

“Everything okay?” Sam asked walking up to him.

Erik stared at Sam and sighed. “I’m tired. I have a shift in the morning. I’m ready to leave,” Erik said simply.

“Right. I’m just going to say goodbye and we can leave,” Sam said opening the car before heading back into the bar.

“Yeah, you do that,” Erik said getting in the car to sit down.

Sam came back ten minutes later and got in the driver’s seat. He glanced over at Erik and felt like something had shifted between them suddenly. He kept his mouth shut and drove back to Erik’s place.

Sitting quietly in the passenger seat of the car, Erik stared through the windshield feeling like his heartbeat was ridiculously vulnerable. It beat in a way that felt like it would fall out of his chest. He watched cars ride up and down the street hating the feeling and that Sam and had made he feel such things in his presence.

Sam parked the car outside of Erik’s house and sat back quietly. Erik didn’t know where tonight really left them despite Sam saying he wanted a relationship with him. But Erik knew he wanted to the know the answer to a few things before it was all over.

“Do you think we have a future together?” Erik asked not looking at Sam but staring straight ahead.

“Yeah Erik. Where’s this coming from?” Sam asked.

“You see…I’m not seeing how that’s true when you’re all up in someone else’s face when _you_ asked _me_ out tonight,” Erik said through his teeth.

Sam heard Erik’s words and remained quiet. He **had** spent a bit of time hanging out with Steve tonight but he figured Erik was fine playing pool on his own and was comfortable.

“I find it funny that I hardly got a moment of your time tonight except for a few minutes but Captain America got your ear most of the night.”

“He’s my friend Erik! Are you saying I can’t have friends now?” Sam started to argue.

“Don’t give me that shit!” Erik snapped shutting him down. He glanced at Sam angrily and set his eyes back forward. “I’m not stupid and I’m damn sure not blind Sam, so don’t fuckin’ try it! I can see the way you look at him and I won’t lie, I won’t deny it, I fuckin’ wanted that. I wanted you to look at me like that,” Erik looked over at Sam and saw the other staring at him. “But I guess someone else beat me to ya heart. ”

Erik stared at Sam. They each said nothing; the realization of their conversation hanging between them before Erik sighed aloud. Sam sat quiet knowing where this was going.

Erik cleared his throat of the sadness gathering on his vocal cords and sighed. “Even if you’re in love with him, don’t lose yourself in the process. Take care of yourself Sam,” Erik said getting out of the car leaving Sam with his own lesson learned from dealing with him. Erik shut the car door behind him and walked up to his house.

The fact Sam said nothing to refute Erik’s accusation was deafening. Erik had laid the obvious at Sam’s feet and Sam couldn’t say a thing. This shit would hurt, probably gnaw at him the way that two year absence did not knowing whether Sam was alive or dead. All Erik could do was pray that knowing Sam wouldn’t be coming back would make getting over him a bit easier this time around.

Erik went inside and leaned against his front door after locking it and wished his home had no memories of Sam to make the break easier. But either way tonight he’d have to go to sleep in a bed where Sam had made promises he couldn’t keep.

Erik shut his eyes at the thought and shook his head before he stood up and did his best to shake it off. He’d survived worse than this. He could survive this too. He’d just take it a day at a time.   

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good for Erik. I’m happy he chose his self.
> 
> This isn’t a happy ending but I enjoyed exploring the difficult and complex relationship within this narrative. It was challenging but helpful in broadening my writing skills. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	3. Epilogue

**–2 Months Later–**

Erik got to a point where he was tired of feeling the same feelings over and over. He knew it was usually hard for him to break certain cycles once he’d grown used to living within them, but sooner or later he would eventually yearn for change.

He laid in bed one morning thinking it was time to get back out there, back to living his life. He thought about what his routine looked like before the instability of his involvement with Sam and remembered the early mornings at the gym he’d gotten used to before Sam came back that night over 2 months ago. Erik looked over at the clock by his bed and saw if he got up right then he could try on the facade of what his life used to be and see if it still felt like something that could make him happy again.

He got up and got dressed, packed a quick gym bag and headed out the door. He worked out; ran the treadmill, lifted weights, eased himself back into his usual and along the way almost felt like himself again but this time without the nagging thought about a certain person at the back of his mind. He showered and changed and headed back home.

As he walked the street headed home he saw the cafe he usually frequented after his gym visits and missed the cinnamon buns sold there. He figured if he was trying on his old routine he might as well try on all parts of it. He walked into the cafe and a couple people were seated but the place wasn’t overly busy which was why Erik used to stop by at this time, before the lunch hour rush.

He walked up to the counter and placed his order, the guy behind the counter made his coffee order and put his cinnamon bun by the register. Erik walked over to pay and handed the young lady his credit card as the guy brought his coffee over and put it next to the bun.

“Oh you’re back,” he heard from over the counter. He looked up to see a young black woman with pretty, dark brown skin, a heart-shaped face, full lips and a head full of long dreads pulled back into a messy bun.

“‘Cuse me?” he said not quite understanding what she meant.

She gave him a soft smile. “Just noticed you’re back. You used to come here often a while back but you stopped for like a month or two. The owner was wondering where you been. I’ll let her know you came by today,” she explained.

Erik nodded in understanding. “You noticed I was gone?” he asked thinking about all the mornings he just couldn’t pull himself together to hit the gym then come here for a coffee and pastry.

She looked around before swallowing a smile. “You’re kind of hard to miss. Tall dread head with dimples like that and all,” she said softly before looking away.

Erik smiled at her warmly and thanked her for the coffee and cinnamon bun. He turned to the door and thought about the last time he’d flirted with anyone. It had been a little over three years. He stopped before he could push the door open to leave and glanced back at the pretty woman behind the counter. He walked back over and she looked up at him smiling.

“Forget something?” she asked softly.

“Uh, yeah,” Erik said softly looking at her. “When does your shift end? I’d like to take you to lunch if you’re interested,” he said leaving it open in case she was just being nice to him before.

She smiled wide before answering, “I get off in an hour and…..I’d love to.”

Erik nodded his head and backed up toward the door. “I’ll be back in an hour then,” he said giving her a full smile, dimples and all before turning to walk out of the small cafe on the corner.

Yeah, today was a good day to get back out there.


End file.
